If someone breaks into your home now, sits on your bed, and does something you completely cannot accept, you would immediately stop them. You would say: Get out, this is my boundary, this is illegal, you have no right to do this. But why in real life, when facing many similarly obvious mistakes or even invasive behaviors, do we often not say “No”?

In China, this phenomenon is especially common. It’s not because Chinese people are inherently weak, but because we have long lived in a social structure that almost never systematically teaches “personal boundaries.” From childhood to adulthood, we are repeatedly told: be obedient at home, obey at school, be sensible, realistic, and patient when entering society. But throughout our growth, almost no one seriously told us: you are an independent person, your personality has boundaries, and you have the right to refuse any invasion.

In traditional Chinese social structures, the collective, order, and relationships have long been placed above the individual. “Don’t talk back,” “Don’t cause trouble,” “Forget it,” “Endure for the greater good,” have become the survival language passed down from generation to generation. The result is not that we don’t know pain, but that we are unfamiliar with the very concept of “personal equality.”

Why is this situation relatively better in large cities in China? It’s not because the people there are braver, but because of higher mobility, weaker relationships, and a stronger awareness of contracts and laws. People realize earlier: individuals are not to be arbitrarily controlled or invaded. So in China, when someone comments that you are “difficult to manage,” “hard to get along with,” or “not sensible,” the real meaning is often: you no longer accept others arbitrarily crossing your boundaries, you are harder to manipulate. This is not resistance, but the beginning of boundaries appearing.

It’s like someone who was never taught to “lock the door” since childhood. It’s not that they want others to break in, but that they simply don’t know: the door can be closed. When you’re young, you don’t know how to set boundaries; as you grow up, it’s the same, not because you are weak, but because in our education and socialization process, “you can protect yourself” has been long neglected or even suppressed.

Of course, many times, people don’t lack awareness of boundaries, but they know that saying “No” will bring real costs: power imbalances, relationship pressures, insufficient legal protections, making “refusal” a matter of paying a price. But this does not mean that boundaries themselves are wrong. On the contrary—when we don’t know where the boundaries are, the world will keep testing and pushing until it devours you.

Real change must start with awareness. When more and more people clearly understand: which behaviors are explicitly forbidden, and which ways of treating others are unacceptable, then systems, rules, and social order can be promoted, rather than relying solely on individual endurance. No one has the right to invade you. You need to protect your personality and self-respect just like guarding your own room.

In a society that has long ignored the individual, learning to set boundaries is not about fighting the world, but as a person, it is the most basic survival skill. You are not weak. You are simply born into an environment that has never seriously taught people “you have boundaries.”