Cognitive Restructuring: The Underlying Logic That Shapes the World

1. Language is the code of needs, and decoding ability is the core social skill
Many people live in interpersonal fog because they only interpret words literally. The true function of language is not to transmit information, but to convey motivation. When a father calls to ask you to watch the weather, the real signal is "I miss you, come home early." When a girlfriend mentions a suitor, the implied meaning is "to confirm how much you care about me" or "that holidays need to be valued." When a nephew says he misses you, it translates to "take me to do something exciting" or "give me me candy." As you begin to train this decoding ability, the world becomes transparent from chaos. The practice method is continuous motivation deduction: Why does this sentence appear at this moment? What is the context of this statement? What is missing from the other person's current mental account? Initially, you may misjudge, but every misjudgment is data input for calibrating your model. Eventually, you'll realize that most interpersonal conflicts in the past stem from both parties communicating on different channels without realizing it.

2. The quality of relationships determines the quality of treatment, not your absolute value
I once thought that attractive women are treated better because of their appearance capital, but later I observed that people with the same looks can have vastly different treatment. The core variable is "the ability to proactively establish connections." Chatting a few words with the cafeteria aunt, and your meal portions increase; complaining to the security guard about boredom, and you get permission to go down the mountain; chatting with the boss of the lamb bone stew shop, and the meat portions increase. These are not luck—they are compound interest generated by relationship investment. Human nature law: people are willing to trouble themselves for familiar people but reluctant to make exceptions for strangers. Building familiarity costs far less than you imagine—a specific compliment, a sincere casual chat, is enough to initialize a relationship. Let go of the passive fantasy of "being attracted by excellence." Unless you possess extremely scarce appearance capital, a focused attitude will only be ignored. Proactively lowering the difficulty of the world's operation is the first step toward maturity.

3. Role clarity determines behavioral adaptability and the key to good mentor-mentee relationships
It hinges on a clear understanding of the core obligations of the "student" role: respect for knowledge and demonstrating a learning attitude. This is not about flattery but natural behavior within the role. Trying to prove your intelligence at the card table or remaining silent in meetings out of fear of colleagues' evaluation are signs of role confusion. Friend groups require contributing joy; workplace meetings require contributing viewpoints and value. Different scenarios activate different behavioral patterns. Many frictions in life stem from role drift: being tense when relaxation is needed, withdrawing when output is required. Recognizing the dominant role in the current context and honestly playing it can reduce a lot of internal friction.

4. Anxiety is an illusion of self-projection; the outside world has no audience
Psychological experiments like shouting in a classroom reveal: imagined fears are always greater than real fears. When you are truly on stage, focus will swallow anxiety—anxiety only exists in the "about to happen" imagination. The scar experiment is even more brutal: volunteers think they are discriminated against because of scars, but in fact, their scars have long been erased. The "discrimination" they encounter is an externalization of their inner script. The essence of interpersonal anxiety is presuming "I should be excellent," but in reality, others have never signed that contract. Cut yourself some slack; no one is waiting with a score sheet for your performance. Anxiety will lose its fuel.

5. The key to desire management is substitution, not suppression
The long-term essence of masturbation and impulsive consumption is the dopamine supply in the life system being single-channel. When boredom becomes the background, low-cost stimulation becomes the only outlet. Suppressing desires is to be enemies with oneself; substituting desires is to redesign life. Want to quit oranges? Willpower will fail; rely on lychees to shift; more interesting games will naturally make you forget. The solution to problems always exists at a higher dimension: rather than controlling yourself from buying, cultivate hobbies with higher income; rather than deleting Taobao, let offline activities occupy your time. Desires will not disappear but can only be covered by higher-quality desires.

6. Expectation management is the firewall of emotions
Past pain came from assuming the world should be beautiful. Now, peace comes from acknowledging the world's inherent imperfection; any kindness is an extra gain. No one is obligated to understand you, including close family. Understanding yourself is your lifelong project; others' empathy is an occasional gift, not an entitlement. When "being understood" shifts from expectation to surprise, resentment transforms into gratitude. The world's underlying tone is desolate, and you are your own heat source.

7. The ultimate question: What are you looking for?
In counseling, the two most obvious turning points are: anxiety decreases when accepting the status quo, and depression recedes when finding direction. The act of "searching" itself is the antidote to nihilism. No need to envy others' positive states—they have found their fuel. Your fuel is not in imitation but in continuous self-exploration. Whenever you feel exhausted, tell yourself: I am giving myself an opportunity. Cognition is the filter of the world.

The above seven points are not moral preachments but patches for the operating system. After installation, they will not take effect immediately; continuous operation and debugging are required. But once you confirm the validity of this logic, the old explanatory framework will irreversibly collapse. The world remains the same, but your version has been updated.